You participated in destroying your relationship with me when you threw me under the bus, as your father trained you to do. I don’t belong there and didn’t deserve your treatment and handling of me, with his manipulation at my expense.
What concerned and worried me most was the lack of empathy you displayed in your choice. I know this can not bode well for you and your future. What also concerned me was a displayed inability to understand another perspective. This also can not bode well for you and future relationships.
Although I felt devastated by your betrayal, I worried more for what was displayed about your developing character and ability to find happiness. My hopes and wishes for how I wanted to raise you were squashed. You certainly weren’t becoming a well-mannered gentleman at a core that I hoped to offer the world as a basis.
I did my best to prevent the current outcome. Maybe you will realize this one day. You will not be able to say I didn’t do anything about you being raised by a psychopath. It is now on you at almost 21 to determine your future and fate. Whether you will follow in his footsteps or turn a corner of your own.
Ever wonder about the source of your unfounded, unjust hatred towards me? Who has been pouring poison in your ears to turn you into a weapon of mass destruction? Surely this can not be a loving, caring, respectful source. Good luck with giving your soul to Satan. I have inadvertently done it, so I understand how it can happen. But no loving mother can then wish that experience on her beloved child.
Having endured the struggle to then untangle and retrieve my soul, I have desperately wanted to spare you the same struggle. No loving mother hopes for pain and struggle for her child. Her heart only breaks when that is all she sees for her child and can not change it.
It’s time for me to let your hand go. I don’t want to, but I need to. My heart can break just so much. God didn’t mean for me to live under a bus. It’s not that comfortable and I can’t do much with my life from there. I can’t allow my son to continue the legacy of me being a scapegoat my entire life. That is no longer my role with anyone, most especially someone I gave birth to. That is not a role my son should expect me to shoulder.
I didn’t let you go before. You were taken from me. I have no choice now but to let you go, as you’ve already left. You’ve been lost to me for too many years. I have to radically accept that harsh reality no healthy mother wants to. Like so much missing in the Mom Manual, I have had to painfully learn and accept this ugly part of my life and my motherhood on my own.
I have and will continue to grieve for the hopes and dreams I’ve had for you and our relationship. I have to let the universe hold and care for you. Just as I had to do when you were born. It somehow felt wrong having the chord cut and seeing you whisked away by strangers, surrounded by them, connected one moment, disconnected next. I just wanted to protect you and be the one caring for you with my genuine love that filled my heart, as I marveled at the most beautiful sight I ever saw.
Should you decide to find your true self, have a relationship with me and repair the damage, I would open my door. But I can’t put my life on hold for that hope. It can’t be what God has intended for my life and it would be unfair to my daughter, who needs me, wants me in her life, loves me and deserves me in her life.
I will continue to love you from afar and hope that you will find your path, as I continue to try finding my path. Your soul’s path is always your own, just as mine belongs to me.
Perhaps, one day, the two paths may meet, and our souls may find connection and embrace. I will live with that faith.
